recent realities.

its funny because i havnt wanted to talk to anyone about anything going on in my life, but its easy to write it here.. it must have been your secret plan. because i know no one will read this except you jess.. lol
i have had to learn things the hard way. by choice mostly.. i dont always mean to make the choice that is obviously the wrong one, it just comes naturally for me. haha. i laugh but i know its not 100% funny. its just if you know something is wrong, it should make you not want to choose it. but i am missing the link in my brain that connects the two. i have realized recently that i was made for God's love. not even my mother or father can love me the way i want/need to be loved. my mom was telling my step mom, durring recent events, that she didnt know how to love me. and that she even read that book; what's your childs love language, and she could never figure mine out. it's because i need it all. when i told my step mom that she said i should compromise.. but my mom gave me to the Lord when i was a baby and ever since, i believe, he has not allowed me to be satisfied with any human's love. now dont get me wrong, we are all created for God's love. but i have a tendency of trying to make a human, mainly a guy fit into my perfect love [[box]] . never works. trust me. there was a time where i knew and i mean really knew just how much God loved me. and i was walking in that love. but i still let things get in the way. i never gave myself completely to God because i wouldnt let go of someone. we all make plans for our lives.. i planned on loving a specific guy for the rest of my life... whom shall not be named.. we'll call him grayson. i dated grayson for a long time. but before we dated we were BEST friends. its been like 7 years that ive been 'in love' with him. we grew apart for a year or so in high school but we always went back to eachother. so 4 years ago right before my 17th birthday we started dating.. i really loved him. wanted to marry him.. have kids, i wanted it all and i wanted it with him and only him. but he broke up with me. but for all of the right reasons, he pursued God with all of his heart. he was the closest i ever got to being loved the way i wanted, needed to be loved. he picked me up when i was down, he made me a better person. i made better choices when i was with him. he was my everything, my something wonderful. we have been broken up for over two years, ive dated.. he hasnt. i still only wanted him. grayson was perfect. he was the other part of me. almost every choice i have made for the past 4 years have been based on whether i would be with him for the rest of my life or not. and inside i believed that despite all of my bad choices, we would be together again one day.. that is until i asked him to please tell me wheter or not he thought we'd ever be together again because i cant keep living my life like this. because i run to a guy everytime i think we wont be together. and its not healthy.. after waiting for what seemed like hours he told me that he KNEW we would never be together, EVER again. shot to the heart. it felt like my life ended, and i wanted to die. i couldnt stand the thought of being without him for the rest of my life. i still cant stand it. but i know it will take time to heal. ohh and in the midst of it all i had a boyfriend! whom i told everything, that i still had feelings for grayson and he had broken my heart for the last time yesterday. that boyfriend is now my ex-boyfriend. yikes. i know it needed to happen, i was giving him to much of me.. i realize that all i need is God's love. his perfect love, that i absolutely positively cannot live without. i feel like im on the road that will get me back to Him. so that this time, i will give him every part, because now, i have nothing to hold on to. its over with grayson, forever. and never thought there would be freedom in it. but there is. he doesnt make me who i am anymore. its God's job to show me my true identity in Him. but i know i have a long way to go. and i am still going to make mistakes. but i dont want to run anymore. i am tired of running.