hakuna matata, its a wonderful phrase. it means no worries. for the rest of you days..

i have had so much going on the past few days. ex-boyfriends showing up at my job unexpectedly, a previous best friend tells me that she and my exboyfriend like eachother. which thats not the part that hurts because i saw that coming from a mile away.. they would have to think im an idiot not to know. but its the fact that they waited so long to tell me. the fact that they said they figured it was ok because i didnt matter anymore. they have always mattered to me. always. and they always will. that was like a stab in the heart. the never ending cycle of people i love saying, i think its a good idea to leave sierrah now. lol

have you ever tried to text in all acronyms? its quite entertaining. you should try it.

i am fully aware that their are different types of love. there is the love which is the typical being "in love" with another person.. the love you have within your families and then there is God's love and the love he tells us to love him with and to love others with..

i was sitting in my car last night doing A LOT of thinking.. (my car btw is one of my favorite places to be alone) i thought about life. and love. and how sometimes i think the two cant co-exist. when we make our lives about loving that one person, we miss out on life. like, for example i can get so overwhelmed with thinking about my future and whoever my husband will be. and i can get SO wrapped up in it, that i cant focus on anything else. the only thing i want is love from him, a person i may not even know yet. so basically, when i do that i lose sight of life. and i am a huge mess. BUT, when we make our lives about Christ's love, i know that is the only way to truly experience life. Christ's love is perfect. its never ending and all surrounding. its there for anyone who asks. and it fills every empty part of you. its a sweet love that no human can ever come close to giving. its a life changing love. i need that love. but the love i continually run after slips out of my fingers. i can never grasp it. and it never fills me if i ever get it. its never enough. i always want and need more. im not sure how to stop searching for this love. my heart longs for it. i just have to keep reminding myself that God's love is more than enough.

so basically, i have been going crazy looking for love, when its been right here all along. God loves me more than any human ever could. he has loved me for all of my life. he will never stop loving me. he is more than enough for me.

and lastly i am so getting sick. not fun. i better feel better before the beach! all im sayin. haha oh and shout out to my faithful reader Alyjaytor. you are my alligator and i love you. haha

when my thoughts gain control.

i was driving home from work tonight and was so happy i had this. i am in need of venting.

i want to run
i want to hide
i want to get away
i want to give up
i want to stop lying to myself
i want to cry until the pain goes away
i want to scream until i have no voice left.

you cant hide from god. you cant give all of who you are to other things and expect to be ok when your all alone. its tormenting inside. its like walking into a door that leads to death. i saw that tonight as i was driving home. me opening a door and all there was, was never ending darkness. why would i even want to walk in that door. why would i want to see it open, why would I want to open it. i wish i could just kick myself. hard. really hard.

the thoughts that lead me to death. they send me in a whirl wind. and i go crazy. sometimes i really think i am crazy. thoughts of unnamed make me go insane. i dont know why it has such a grasp on me. its not even him. at all. because thoughts of him lead to thoughts of how i will never be good enough. how no one should of had to live the way i did, i start feeling sorry for myself and i could honestly feel myself getting darker and darker and farther and farther away from the light. just with my thoughts.

I DONT WANT TO RUN FROM GOD. how could i? why would i? he is everything. he is life, he is light, he is love. and i am death, i am darkness, this girl that i am, is everything i love to hate.

but i dont have to let the enemy win. i dont give him victory. God once said to me that He didnt die for me to live this way. and I dont want to live for anything but Him. i need to be shaken. i cant waste my time on this earth, because i most definitely dont want to miss His purpose for my life.

I think God is really trying to use my life because the enemy is tearing me apart. i let him in and he is ruining me. The new creation God made me to be. i cant even feel the heart beating in my own chest anymore. I am just a dead girl walking.

How can someone who has seen so much, who walked SO closely with God Almighty fall THIS hard?

God, i need your help, im dying and i am lost without you. i am lost without your voice guiding me, i am lost without your hands holding me. i am dead without you breathing your life into me. i am a wreck when you dont wipe my tears. i need you to love me. i need your love. i need you to forgive me again and again and again and im so sorry. i dont know why i ever thought i could live without you. i am so sorry. please save me. save me from myself, save me from the grip of my enemy and losen his grasp. i dont want to live like this anymore. i want to live for you. i want my life to be wholly yours.