when my thoughts gain control.

i was driving home from work tonight and was so happy i had this. i am in need of venting.

i want to run
i want to hide
i want to get away
i want to give up
i want to stop lying to myself
i want to cry until the pain goes away
i want to scream until i have no voice left.

you cant hide from god. you cant give all of who you are to other things and expect to be ok when your all alone. its tormenting inside. its like walking into a door that leads to death. i saw that tonight as i was driving home. me opening a door and all there was, was never ending darkness. why would i even want to walk in that door. why would i want to see it open, why would I want to open it. i wish i could just kick myself. hard. really hard.

the thoughts that lead me to death. they send me in a whirl wind. and i go crazy. sometimes i really think i am crazy. thoughts of unnamed make me go insane. i dont know why it has such a grasp on me. its not even him. at all. because thoughts of him lead to thoughts of how i will never be good enough. how no one should of had to live the way i did, i start feeling sorry for myself and i could honestly feel myself getting darker and darker and farther and farther away from the light. just with my thoughts.

I DONT WANT TO RUN FROM GOD. how could i? why would i? he is everything. he is life, he is light, he is love. and i am death, i am darkness, this girl that i am, is everything i love to hate.

but i dont have to let the enemy win. i dont give him victory. God once said to me that He didnt die for me to live this way. and I dont want to live for anything but Him. i need to be shaken. i cant waste my time on this earth, because i most definitely dont want to miss His purpose for my life.

I think God is really trying to use my life because the enemy is tearing me apart. i let him in and he is ruining me. The new creation God made me to be. i cant even feel the heart beating in my own chest anymore. I am just a dead girl walking.

How can someone who has seen so much, who walked SO closely with God Almighty fall THIS hard?

God, i need your help, im dying and i am lost without you. i am lost without your voice guiding me, i am lost without your hands holding me. i am dead without you breathing your life into me. i am a wreck when you dont wipe my tears. i need you to love me. i need your love. i need you to forgive me again and again and again and im so sorry. i dont know why i ever thought i could live without you. i am so sorry. please save me. save me from myself, save me from the grip of my enemy and losen his grasp. i dont want to live like this anymore. i want to live for you. i want my life to be wholly yours.