God is the best Valentine

there are so many things. i am going to get a bit weird in this one..

so, as i was going to bed one night, a voice came to me and spoke. it said "do not trust in how you feel, nothing will be the way you expect it to be, and DO NOT harden your heart." those are pretty basic things that are commonly said in this walk. but the voice, it was so real. it also told me to vocalize my need for God to save me, and that if i said it, and i knew it to be true, that a door would be open. i did it. but it didnt "feel" good enough, i couldnt "see" how my life could change, and i could begin to feel my heart harden, i felt discouraged and weak, and i wanted to go to sleep. so i did. today i went to church. i didnt want to go, but i did at the same time. i needed to go. but this morning when i woke up, things werent looking very promising. i felt SO sick.. nautious, light headed, dizzy.. i couldnt even stand. i knew i had to go to church. and all of the thoughts were spinning in my head along with the room, i dont want to see grayson and i know he will be there, i dont want to see anyone. something inside of me was fighting, and i kept hearing "dont make anything about yourself".. i got there, a few minutes late but i was there. i hadnt been in so long that the greeter at the door asked me if i was new, anger started to rise up inside of me. but then the voice. "do not make anuthing about yourself" .. i was aware during worship that a door had been opened. that God was MY God. He is my Father. and my heart was filled with love and adoration for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. the Most High God. He is the one i wanted to give my heart and soul to. He was the one who loved me the way i needed to be loved on this day that is all about love. things were really changing inside of me even as i left the service.(( before i say the rest i should mention that the previous boyfriend who broke up with me has been my boyfriend since the day after we broke up. )) after church i called my bf, and he had a panicked tone in his voice. he asked if i was alright and i said i was fine. i asked him if he was ok because he sounded like he was really upset, maybe even crying. he said he felt us falling apart, that he felt like part of him was dying. i knew why, God was doing something i knew that as i was proclaiming in the song we sung, "Lord i give you my heart, i give my soul, i live for you alone. Every breath that i take, every moment i'm awake, Lord have your way in me" it was becoming truth. I was giving to God what i had given to my bf. I KNEW it was God listening to my heart's cry. but part of me went with fear. i know im not suppose to be with him but for some reason i believe its my job to take care of him and make sure he is okay. but i can feel it ending. it wont hurt me as much as it will hurt him.. and i dont want him to hurt. God showed me how much i didnt love Him by not obeying and trusting Him fully. i took things into my own hands again and things spun out of control. i feared, i trusted in my feelings, i made it about myself, i saw my life through my own eyes and not God's. i failed. my eyes were so opened, i could see the way back to God, and i blew it. all I want is Him, His ways, His perfect love. i pray that God isnt finished with me. i hope destiney didnt slip away. that would be devestating. i pray for God's mercy and grace to get me through. because now more than ever, the reality of my need for God is huge.