for as much as she stumbles, she's running, for as much as she's running she's still here.

my days are all starting to blend together, i dont even know what today's date is. i was really trying to do better, to be better. when the prodigal son came back to his father's house, and the father greeted him with love, he wasnt like well thanks for this awesome feast and everything, but im going to head out again. i feel like that is what i do, all the time. i dont want to be a permanant prodigal, like the type of person who is always running, cant stop running.. because when i slow down or get too quiet i feel like such a mess and such a failure. the enemy got a hold on me.. and it makes me so angry because i KNOW that this was all forseen i KNOW that there were things i needed to do to stand strong, and i didnt do it, and i KNOW that the enemy feels like he has the victory over my life. i cant see straight. things i knew to be real of God, the things He spoke to me, the new creation he made me to be, the truths that were held in high esteem in my life, its all blurred. it's almost like it was a dream. like i USE to be that person, but i never really was. that is what it feels like, like i never knew God the way i know that i did. so now i just feel like a zombie, and i want to get away from everyone who loves me before i infect them. which means... i have to keep running.