not such a good post. dont read it.

i am not even real anymore. i am just existing and not living. i am alive but i have never felt more dead. i lost myself, i don't know who i am. i don't know why i'm here. i don't know why i keep trying to be the perfect girl for all of the wrong guys. i will never be good enough. ever. the end.

i read today somewhere that the people who keep their sin concealed never prosper but those who confess it receive mercy.

so true. i am a living testimony of that.

I am a girl of constant sorrow.

all i am thinking about is love.

the kind where the man of my dreams says all the right things, puts me before everyone and everything aside from God. tells me i am beautiful when i am at my worse. the kind of love where nothing else matters. and all you want is to be with one another. well, i think i have been watching too many movies. because this love, i have yet to find. and i am beginning to wonder if it even exists.

i thought i was beginning to be pieced back together after a massive heart break. maybe i was.. but i jumped in too fast... i thought i was strong enough to maintain love on my own, before the pieces formed back together completely, and i threw myself out there. entrusting myself to whomever would grab hold of me. and it happened to be a very charming guy, who i let myself fall for. yet again. you would think that from past experience i would learn not to give my heart away so easily. i should be smarter than that.. i wasn't though. so now i have a broken heart. and i promise i am not using that term lightly. my heart is completely broken. i let love fool me again. basically, i was not strong enough in the end. and this love i so desire, the love of my life, the man i will marry and spend the rest of my life with... is not within my grasp. i will never be able to reach it. not on my own anyway. as for this charming individual... he is not out of my life. but i wouldn't be surprised if he didn't stick around for much longer.

for some reason i have set in my mind that i could handle my life on my own. that i know what is best for me. God was in the middle of showing me the purpose of my life, and i took His piece of paper that he was mapping out for me so i could see his purposes, and crumpled it up, threw it on the ground, stepped on it, and then threw it back at him. this truly hurts my heart. i am so foolish. i know enough to know that disobedience is not acceptable. and i also know enough to know that my life isn't about finding the perfect guy. I can't keep taking my life into my own hands, but i can't humble myself and get on my knees and pray either. it has been months. i have been living with this fear or failure & self-loathing for such a long time now that it has become apart of my daily routine. nothing is real to me anymore.

whoever i am becoming... which i don't even know who i am but whoever it is.. i hate. very much.

i am going to read a book.