It has been exactly one year since the last time I posted a blog on here, which is why I am posting one now!

Kind of like a farewell blog. Meaning, I am done with this phase of my life and I want to formally declare that it is finished!

I want to start by saying thank you to my 5 trusty followers! You guys rock! :) I love you to pieces.

Looking back, I can truly say... PRAISE GOD for pulling me out of the pit I was in when I started this blog. He has brought me leaps and bounds from even just a year ago. And he has uprooted many wounds! My understanding of God has deepened, and my acceptance of His love for me has again renewed my life. I have realized that sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. I believe God has forgiven me for the MANY mistakes I have made, I would be calling Him a liar if I didn't believe it. But one thing that kept me in my sin for so long, was not finding myself worth forgiving. And truly no one is. But in order to move forward in life, you have to ACCEPT God's love for you, and not only forgive others, but forgive yourself. IT'S VITAL!

I started noticing a pattern in my life. It was like a root of sin patterns that had developed over years of not forgiving myself. God brought me to the point where those patterns had to stop and be broken.. uprooted! I honestly hated myself because of who I had become and God has shown me that what I made myself out to be and what the rest of the world makes me out to be is NOT who I am. That I am who God say I am. I am a new creation and I have been raised up and set apart to walk in the newness of life.. Christ didn't die for me to continue to live my life as a sinner, He died to set me free from my sin and to live as His vessel, His friend, His daughter, His servant, and one of the MANY loves of His life. <3

I pray that God continues to raise me up as I am wholeheartedly pursing Him. I desire to give Him my entire life, and to live for Him alone. As I am walking in my calling, and living my life according to HIS purposes, not mine... He is renewing my hope for the future, which was once lost. God is good.

I love Him. and I love you.

God bless you all. follow me on twitter :) I am also thinking about getting a tumblr. I won't stop writing, so if you are interested enough let me know and I will let you know what blogs I have and what not :)

Peace up!

- Sierrah

lets play catch up :)

so much has changed since the last time i posted a blog. i dont even know where to begin to start.

today i watched a movie called Letters to God. i was told it was a sad movie and yet i still chose to watch it. anyway one part of the movie triggered a memory from my childhood.. or several memories i should say. and i started crying really intensely. i didnt know where all of the emotion was coming from but my heart felt like it was being ripped apart. they were memories i have chosen not to remember, ones that i have kept locked away. and its strange how the things we feel when we are kids, like whether its the greatest joy or the deepest hurt... those emotions never really go away. and in a way, it molds you into the person you are and who you become. BUT i am realizing that is not how it has to be.

maybe i have always known that.. but it hasnt been a reality in my life.

God gave me this dream that there was a little girl trapped inside of a whale. and she had been living in this whale for years and years and its all she has ever known. one day when she is a young adult, she gets discovered and she cries out to be saved so, a group of people come to rescue her. this whale has to be killed in order to save this girl. she begs for the people not to hurt the whale because it has taken care of her for all these years, it's apart of her. she identifies herself with this whale and if it dies then part of her dies too.... but, in all actuality, this whale has kept her from living. the people cut open the whale an you can start to see her hand come out, but she keeps reaching back for the whale, she doesnt want to let go.

if you dont get it. i am that girl. such a dummy.

we all need to let go of our pasts no matter how good or bad and let God make us into the people he wants us to be. because i know that when i give my life over to Him, He does things that i cant even imagine doing on my own.

i have so much to write, i just cant. im a huge wreck. i will finish writing later.

Rain

i love the sound of it, i love just sitting in it, or running or dancing in it. Crying in the rain is the best, and then to break out into laughter or to have a sweet kiss. There is nothing bad about rain. Except for the excessive amounts that cause flooding... or stepping in a huge puddle on your way in to work.

When i think about the Lord, how he picked me up, turned me around, placed my feet, on solid ground

it makes me wanna shout, Hallelujah thank you Jesus! Lord you're worthy of all the glory, and all the honor, and all the praise!

i am out of my funk! praise God!

sorry for being so down in my recent posts. i was overwhelmed with discouragement, lies, and essentially darkness. but God has opened my eyes to His truth, love, mercy, grace and compassion. He is a good God.

and i am SO happy that all of my family who were in Uganda for a MONTH are finally home. i know its been a couple weeks now, but being with them has made me so happy. they are all so full of Godly joy that it just makes my soul happy. I am so drawn to them. the life they have inside of them is becoming a burning desire inside of me. that sounds silly but its the only words i can find to describe it. God did an amazing work in them and since we are all one body and we are all connected, though i was not there, i feel it inside of me too. God is doing something big in our church and i praise Him to be apart of it. the unity i felt this past sunday is indescribable. our hearts were one.

It really humbles me when i think of all God has created, all that He has done and is going to do. The same God who created to universe takes time to reveal His mysteries to His children. i truly love when i know God speaks to me. i KNOW He is real.

sometimes i let the fact that i am not perfect keep me from humbling myself and giving my life over to God. but that one act of obedience, getting on my knees and crying out to God, telling Him that i know i need a savior, He opens my eyes, every time. God didn't send his son to die for perfect people, but for a people who knows that they are sinners. who are willing to lay their lives down so that His life can flow through them.

that is what i desire. and even though i feel pressure from every side, and i feel like i am going to be crushed by the enemy, i will STAND in His truth. i will rise up and stand in the position he has called me to stand in.

i don't want to choose me anymore. it is such a waste of time, and a waste of my life. i have come to the conclusion that i will never be happy unless i am giving myself and my heart fully to the Lord. i know it is true. so i pray to give it to him more completely everyday.

the Lord has been so gracious towards me. a friend of mine has reminded me of that. He calls me out of the darkness i get myself into time and time again. i do not want to take for granted His grace and mercy. my life must not be my own. it HAS to be His.

one last thing. God showed me my fear of being neglected and/or abandoned more fully last night. so much to the point that i felt completely alone with no one to turn to. and that i am afraid He will leave me like others have and that people He has placed in and over my life will leave me or give up on me as well. and those thoughts, every single time, send me straight to self pity. i pray for this to be broken in my life and i ask for your prayers too. it is something deeper than i can really explain, but even as i write this i choke up because it is that real inside of me.

not such a good post. dont read it.

i am not even real anymore. i am just existing and not living. i am alive but i have never felt more dead. i lost myself, i don't know who i am. i don't know why i'm here. i don't know why i keep trying to be the perfect girl for all of the wrong guys. i will never be good enough. ever. the end.

i read today somewhere that the people who keep their sin concealed never prosper but those who confess it receive mercy.

so true. i am a living testimony of that.

I am a girl of constant sorrow.

all i am thinking about is love.

the kind where the man of my dreams says all the right things, puts me before everyone and everything aside from God. tells me i am beautiful when i am at my worse. the kind of love where nothing else matters. and all you want is to be with one another. well, i think i have been watching too many movies. because this love, i have yet to find. and i am beginning to wonder if it even exists.

i thought i was beginning to be pieced back together after a massive heart break. maybe i was.. but i jumped in too fast... i thought i was strong enough to maintain love on my own, before the pieces formed back together completely, and i threw myself out there. entrusting myself to whomever would grab hold of me. and it happened to be a very charming guy, who i let myself fall for. yet again. you would think that from past experience i would learn not to give my heart away so easily. i should be smarter than that.. i wasn't though. so now i have a broken heart. and i promise i am not using that term lightly. my heart is completely broken. i let love fool me again. basically, i was not strong enough in the end. and this love i so desire, the love of my life, the man i will marry and spend the rest of my life with... is not within my grasp. i will never be able to reach it. not on my own anyway. as for this charming individual... he is not out of my life. but i wouldn't be surprised if he didn't stick around for much longer.

for some reason i have set in my mind that i could handle my life on my own. that i know what is best for me. God was in the middle of showing me the purpose of my life, and i took His piece of paper that he was mapping out for me so i could see his purposes, and crumpled it up, threw it on the ground, stepped on it, and then threw it back at him. this truly hurts my heart. i am so foolish. i know enough to know that disobedience is not acceptable. and i also know enough to know that my life isn't about finding the perfect guy. I can't keep taking my life into my own hands, but i can't humble myself and get on my knees and pray either. it has been months. i have been living with this fear or failure & self-loathing for such a long time now that it has become apart of my daily routine. nothing is real to me anymore.

whoever i am becoming... which i don't even know who i am but whoever it is.. i hate. very much.

i am going to read a book.

under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh) i had to haha

i often picture myself walking around with an umbrella or even just sitting with it even though it isn't raining. like i am in my own world and you cant see me, you cant hurt me, i am just existing here by myself with my umbrella. when i get like this it's because i am lonely. and when i am lonely... i just want to be alone. odd i know.

my thoughts go the deepest in this place. my heart can even get to a grievous state where i just want to cry. and i sure do cry a lot. it's pretty pathetic.

i dont have anything else to write. this post is pretty lousy. forgive me.

ps. James Morrison is amazing. nuff said.