it makes me wanna shout, Hallelujah thank you Jesus! Lord you're worthy of all the glory, and all the honor, and all the praise!
sorry for being so down in my recent posts. i was overwhelmed with discouragement, lies, and essentially darkness. but God has opened my eyes to His truth, love, mercy, grace and compassion. He is a good God.
and i am SO happy that all of my family who were in Uganda for a MONTH are finally home. i know its been a couple weeks now, but being with them has made me so happy. they are all so full of Godly joy that it just makes my soul happy. I am so drawn to them. the life they have inside of them is becoming a burning desire inside of me. that sounds silly but its the only words i can find to describe it. God did an amazing work in them and since we are all one body and we are all connected, though i was not there, i feel it inside of me too. God is doing something big in our church and i praise Him to be apart of it. the unity i felt this past sunday is indescribable. our hearts were one.
It really humbles me when i think of all God has created, all that He has done and is going to do. The same God who created to universe takes time to reveal His mysteries to His children. i truly love when i know God speaks to me. i KNOW He is real.
sometimes i let the fact that i am not perfect keep me from humbling myself and giving my life over to God. but that one act of obedience, getting on my knees and crying out to God, telling Him that i know i need a savior, He opens my eyes, every time. God didn't send his son to die for perfect people, but for a people who knows that they are sinners. who are willing to lay their lives down so that His life can flow through them.
that is what i desire. and even though i feel pressure from every side, and i feel like i am going to be crushed by the enemy, i will STAND in His truth. i will rise up and stand in the position he has called me to stand in.
i don't want to choose me anymore. it is such a waste of time, and a waste of my life. i have come to the conclusion that i will never be happy unless i am giving myself and my heart fully to the Lord. i know it is true. so i pray to give it to him more completely everyday.
the Lord has been so gracious towards me. a friend of mine has reminded me of that. He calls me out of the darkness i get myself into time and time again. i do not want to take for granted His grace and mercy. my life must not be my own. it HAS to be His.
one last thing. God showed me my fear of being neglected and/or abandoned more fully last night. so much to the point that i felt completely alone with no one to turn to. and that i am afraid He will leave me like others have and that people He has placed in and over my life will leave me or give up on me as well. and those thoughts, every single time, send me straight to self pity. i pray for this to be broken in my life and i ask for your prayers too. it is something deeper than i can really explain, but even as i write this i choke up because it is that real inside of me.
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