God is the best Valentine

there are so many things. i am going to get a bit weird in this one..

so, as i was going to bed one night, a voice came to me and spoke. it said "do not trust in how you feel, nothing will be the way you expect it to be, and DO NOT harden your heart." those are pretty basic things that are commonly said in this walk. but the voice, it was so real. it also told me to vocalize my need for God to save me, and that if i said it, and i knew it to be true, that a door would be open. i did it. but it didnt "feel" good enough, i couldnt "see" how my life could change, and i could begin to feel my heart harden, i felt discouraged and weak, and i wanted to go to sleep. so i did. today i went to church. i didnt want to go, but i did at the same time. i needed to go. but this morning when i woke up, things werent looking very promising. i felt SO sick.. nautious, light headed, dizzy.. i couldnt even stand. i knew i had to go to church. and all of the thoughts were spinning in my head along with the room, i dont want to see grayson and i know he will be there, i dont want to see anyone. something inside of me was fighting, and i kept hearing "dont make anything about yourself".. i got there, a few minutes late but i was there. i hadnt been in so long that the greeter at the door asked me if i was new, anger started to rise up inside of me. but then the voice. "do not make anuthing about yourself" .. i was aware during worship that a door had been opened. that God was MY God. He is my Father. and my heart was filled with love and adoration for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. the Most High God. He is the one i wanted to give my heart and soul to. He was the one who loved me the way i needed to be loved on this day that is all about love. things were really changing inside of me even as i left the service.(( before i say the rest i should mention that the previous boyfriend who broke up with me has been my boyfriend since the day after we broke up. )) after church i called my bf, and he had a panicked tone in his voice. he asked if i was alright and i said i was fine. i asked him if he was ok because he sounded like he was really upset, maybe even crying. he said he felt us falling apart, that he felt like part of him was dying. i knew why, God was doing something i knew that as i was proclaiming in the song we sung, "Lord i give you my heart, i give my soul, i live for you alone. Every breath that i take, every moment i'm awake, Lord have your way in me" it was becoming truth. I was giving to God what i had given to my bf. I KNEW it was God listening to my heart's cry. but part of me went with fear. i know im not suppose to be with him but for some reason i believe its my job to take care of him and make sure he is okay. but i can feel it ending. it wont hurt me as much as it will hurt him.. and i dont want him to hurt. God showed me how much i didnt love Him by not obeying and trusting Him fully. i took things into my own hands again and things spun out of control. i feared, i trusted in my feelings, i made it about myself, i saw my life through my own eyes and not God's. i failed. my eyes were so opened, i could see the way back to God, and i blew it. all I want is Him, His ways, His perfect love. i pray that God isnt finished with me. i hope destiney didnt slip away. that would be devestating. i pray for God's mercy and grace to get me through. because now more than ever, the reality of my need for God is huge.

for as much as she stumbles, she's running, for as much as she's running she's still here.

my days are all starting to blend together, i dont even know what today's date is. i was really trying to do better, to be better. when the prodigal son came back to his father's house, and the father greeted him with love, he wasnt like well thanks for this awesome feast and everything, but im going to head out again. i feel like that is what i do, all the time. i dont want to be a permanant prodigal, like the type of person who is always running, cant stop running.. because when i slow down or get too quiet i feel like such a mess and such a failure. the enemy got a hold on me.. and it makes me so angry because i KNOW that this was all forseen i KNOW that there were things i needed to do to stand strong, and i didnt do it, and i KNOW that the enemy feels like he has the victory over my life. i cant see straight. things i knew to be real of God, the things He spoke to me, the new creation he made me to be, the truths that were held in high esteem in my life, its all blurred. it's almost like it was a dream. like i USE to be that person, but i never really was. that is what it feels like, like i never knew God the way i know that i did. so now i just feel like a zombie, and i want to get away from everyone who loves me before i infect them. which means... i have to keep running.

FIVE page essay.. on that?!

so, i have to write a 5 page essay on this quote...

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful."
-Seneca

i like the quote, i can totally see how it has truth to it.. but yeah i am not excited.. i cannot forsee 5 pages coming from that little tiny sentence.. but like the common saying.. where there is a will there's a way. and i have a will to do it because i do not want to/cannot afford to fail another class. that would be absolutely dreadful.

so off to another subject.. i forgot how much i love being with the girls.. just sitting around listening to bridge play the guitar and randomly singing along with alyjaytor. painting chloe and rachel's nails.. helping with homework.. even the 5 minute midnight talks with jess over a bean and cheese burrito.. haha.. it's the little things that have really been getting me through these days. i have been hiding i think.. trying to avoid reality. i dont cry anymore eventhough i feel like im going to burst at times. when does it get to be easy... that's what i want to know. i am sure anyone who reads this would tell me that it doesnt.

chasing after the wind

i dont know how to stop.. i just feel like i am spinning, and spinning, and spinning.. until eventually i lose control. it's like when you would sit in the computer chair when you were little and just spin until you were so dizzy that even when you tried to stop, your body was so use to spinning it just wanted to keep going and you werent in control anymore. the only way you could stop was to hold on to something like the desk or fall down on the floor. i dont know how to fall in this situation. and just like when i was a kid, eventhough i hated the dizzy feeling after spinning in a chair, i did it over and over and over again.

i am only 21 years old and i am in such a rush to grow up. haha.. i mean i guess some would consider me grown up but i mean i am not liking this age or phase in my life. i just want it to be over. i dont like partying, i dont like drinking, i am not a typical 21 year old. yet i keep chasing after pointless things. i feel like i am running after the wind and i can never grasp it. because its meaningless. just like the book of ecclesiasties says over and over.

the first step to recovery.

i have decided that there are more important things in this life than chasing after the people who WANT to leave you. if they choose to leave then they werent yours to have. and that applies to more than just boyfriends. stop running after people who are running away from you and look around, you are surrounded by the ones who want to stay. and they are the ones that matter most. i am happy to have people in my life who have stayed. i am happy to have God in my life who will never leave me. no matter what.


i want to move forward without looking back.

that's life.

so i have class today, and i have to work right after.. it is going to be a LONG day.

one of these days i will figure out why people always leave the people they care about most.