lets play catch up :)

so much has changed since the last time i posted a blog. i dont even know where to begin to start.

today i watched a movie called Letters to God. i was told it was a sad movie and yet i still chose to watch it. anyway one part of the movie triggered a memory from my childhood.. or several memories i should say. and i started crying really intensely. i didnt know where all of the emotion was coming from but my heart felt like it was being ripped apart. they were memories i have chosen not to remember, ones that i have kept locked away. and its strange how the things we feel when we are kids, like whether its the greatest joy or the deepest hurt... those emotions never really go away. and in a way, it molds you into the person you are and who you become. BUT i am realizing that is not how it has to be.

maybe i have always known that.. but it hasnt been a reality in my life.

God gave me this dream that there was a little girl trapped inside of a whale. and she had been living in this whale for years and years and its all she has ever known. one day when she is a young adult, she gets discovered and she cries out to be saved so, a group of people come to rescue her. this whale has to be killed in order to save this girl. she begs for the people not to hurt the whale because it has taken care of her for all these years, it's apart of her. she identifies herself with this whale and if it dies then part of her dies too.... but, in all actuality, this whale has kept her from living. the people cut open the whale an you can start to see her hand come out, but she keeps reaching back for the whale, she doesnt want to let go.

if you dont get it. i am that girl. such a dummy.

we all need to let go of our pasts no matter how good or bad and let God make us into the people he wants us to be. because i know that when i give my life over to Him, He does things that i cant even imagine doing on my own.

i have so much to write, i just cant. im a huge wreck. i will finish writing later.

Rain

i love the sound of it, i love just sitting in it, or running or dancing in it. Crying in the rain is the best, and then to break out into laughter or to have a sweet kiss. There is nothing bad about rain. Except for the excessive amounts that cause flooding... or stepping in a huge puddle on your way in to work.

When i think about the Lord, how he picked me up, turned me around, placed my feet, on solid ground

it makes me wanna shout, Hallelujah thank you Jesus! Lord you're worthy of all the glory, and all the honor, and all the praise!

i am out of my funk! praise God!

sorry for being so down in my recent posts. i was overwhelmed with discouragement, lies, and essentially darkness. but God has opened my eyes to His truth, love, mercy, grace and compassion. He is a good God.

and i am SO happy that all of my family who were in Uganda for a MONTH are finally home. i know its been a couple weeks now, but being with them has made me so happy. they are all so full of Godly joy that it just makes my soul happy. I am so drawn to them. the life they have inside of them is becoming a burning desire inside of me. that sounds silly but its the only words i can find to describe it. God did an amazing work in them and since we are all one body and we are all connected, though i was not there, i feel it inside of me too. God is doing something big in our church and i praise Him to be apart of it. the unity i felt this past sunday is indescribable. our hearts were one.

It really humbles me when i think of all God has created, all that He has done and is going to do. The same God who created to universe takes time to reveal His mysteries to His children. i truly love when i know God speaks to me. i KNOW He is real.

sometimes i let the fact that i am not perfect keep me from humbling myself and giving my life over to God. but that one act of obedience, getting on my knees and crying out to God, telling Him that i know i need a savior, He opens my eyes, every time. God didn't send his son to die for perfect people, but for a people who knows that they are sinners. who are willing to lay their lives down so that His life can flow through them.

that is what i desire. and even though i feel pressure from every side, and i feel like i am going to be crushed by the enemy, i will STAND in His truth. i will rise up and stand in the position he has called me to stand in.

i don't want to choose me anymore. it is such a waste of time, and a waste of my life. i have come to the conclusion that i will never be happy unless i am giving myself and my heart fully to the Lord. i know it is true. so i pray to give it to him more completely everyday.

the Lord has been so gracious towards me. a friend of mine has reminded me of that. He calls me out of the darkness i get myself into time and time again. i do not want to take for granted His grace and mercy. my life must not be my own. it HAS to be His.

one last thing. God showed me my fear of being neglected and/or abandoned more fully last night. so much to the point that i felt completely alone with no one to turn to. and that i am afraid He will leave me like others have and that people He has placed in and over my life will leave me or give up on me as well. and those thoughts, every single time, send me straight to self pity. i pray for this to be broken in my life and i ask for your prayers too. it is something deeper than i can really explain, but even as i write this i choke up because it is that real inside of me.

not such a good post. dont read it.

i am not even real anymore. i am just existing and not living. i am alive but i have never felt more dead. i lost myself, i don't know who i am. i don't know why i'm here. i don't know why i keep trying to be the perfect girl for all of the wrong guys. i will never be good enough. ever. the end.

i read today somewhere that the people who keep their sin concealed never prosper but those who confess it receive mercy.

so true. i am a living testimony of that.

I am a girl of constant sorrow.

all i am thinking about is love.

the kind where the man of my dreams says all the right things, puts me before everyone and everything aside from God. tells me i am beautiful when i am at my worse. the kind of love where nothing else matters. and all you want is to be with one another. well, i think i have been watching too many movies. because this love, i have yet to find. and i am beginning to wonder if it even exists.

i thought i was beginning to be pieced back together after a massive heart break. maybe i was.. but i jumped in too fast... i thought i was strong enough to maintain love on my own, before the pieces formed back together completely, and i threw myself out there. entrusting myself to whomever would grab hold of me. and it happened to be a very charming guy, who i let myself fall for. yet again. you would think that from past experience i would learn not to give my heart away so easily. i should be smarter than that.. i wasn't though. so now i have a broken heart. and i promise i am not using that term lightly. my heart is completely broken. i let love fool me again. basically, i was not strong enough in the end. and this love i so desire, the love of my life, the man i will marry and spend the rest of my life with... is not within my grasp. i will never be able to reach it. not on my own anyway. as for this charming individual... he is not out of my life. but i wouldn't be surprised if he didn't stick around for much longer.

for some reason i have set in my mind that i could handle my life on my own. that i know what is best for me. God was in the middle of showing me the purpose of my life, and i took His piece of paper that he was mapping out for me so i could see his purposes, and crumpled it up, threw it on the ground, stepped on it, and then threw it back at him. this truly hurts my heart. i am so foolish. i know enough to know that disobedience is not acceptable. and i also know enough to know that my life isn't about finding the perfect guy. I can't keep taking my life into my own hands, but i can't humble myself and get on my knees and pray either. it has been months. i have been living with this fear or failure & self-loathing for such a long time now that it has become apart of my daily routine. nothing is real to me anymore.

whoever i am becoming... which i don't even know who i am but whoever it is.. i hate. very much.

i am going to read a book.

under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh) i had to haha

i often picture myself walking around with an umbrella or even just sitting with it even though it isn't raining. like i am in my own world and you cant see me, you cant hurt me, i am just existing here by myself with my umbrella. when i get like this it's because i am lonely. and when i am lonely... i just want to be alone. odd i know.

my thoughts go the deepest in this place. my heart can even get to a grievous state where i just want to cry. and i sure do cry a lot. it's pretty pathetic.

i dont have anything else to write. this post is pretty lousy. forgive me.

ps. James Morrison is amazing. nuff said.

when there is no one else.

i wake up crying every morning. tears rush down my face as i fall asleep each night. i smile all day so you cant see whats wrong. i forgot who i am. i lost myself in this world. God created me for more and i threw it away. but he has claimed me, he paid a high price and i know i belong to Him.

when you are all alone, and you really realize no one is there for you, you feel like all your friends have left you and you have no one left in this world, if you can get quiet enough you will hear a still small voice. He will whisper he loves, he will stretch out His arms and say this much and i am always here for you. if you want a friend so faithful they would die for you, He did that already. If you just want someone to understand you, to understand the hell you've been through in your life, He's been there too. if you're looking for someone who will truly love you for who you are, someone whose love is unconditional, He does. if you don't know how you got where you are, and you are lost and scared, He is better than any GPS, He knows where you are and how to get you back home. and you are NEVER too far. if you need someone to just wrap their arms around you and say it will be okay, everything will be just fine, you can trust me... He is faithful. He never lies. He always does what he says he will do. if you think your sin is too much for His never ending grace and mercy, it is, but He forgave us still. And if you feel like you aren't worthy of this love, you aren't, but He loves us anyway.

Praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

hakuna matata, its a wonderful phrase. it means no worries. for the rest of you days..

i have had so much going on the past few days. ex-boyfriends showing up at my job unexpectedly, a previous best friend tells me that she and my exboyfriend like eachother. which thats not the part that hurts because i saw that coming from a mile away.. they would have to think im an idiot not to know. but its the fact that they waited so long to tell me. the fact that they said they figured it was ok because i didnt matter anymore. they have always mattered to me. always. and they always will. that was like a stab in the heart. the never ending cycle of people i love saying, i think its a good idea to leave sierrah now. lol

have you ever tried to text in all acronyms? its quite entertaining. you should try it.

i am fully aware that their are different types of love. there is the love which is the typical being "in love" with another person.. the love you have within your families and then there is God's love and the love he tells us to love him with and to love others with..

i was sitting in my car last night doing A LOT of thinking.. (my car btw is one of my favorite places to be alone) i thought about life. and love. and how sometimes i think the two cant co-exist. when we make our lives about loving that one person, we miss out on life. like, for example i can get so overwhelmed with thinking about my future and whoever my husband will be. and i can get SO wrapped up in it, that i cant focus on anything else. the only thing i want is love from him, a person i may not even know yet. so basically, when i do that i lose sight of life. and i am a huge mess. BUT, when we make our lives about Christ's love, i know that is the only way to truly experience life. Christ's love is perfect. its never ending and all surrounding. its there for anyone who asks. and it fills every empty part of you. its a sweet love that no human can ever come close to giving. its a life changing love. i need that love. but the love i continually run after slips out of my fingers. i can never grasp it. and it never fills me if i ever get it. its never enough. i always want and need more. im not sure how to stop searching for this love. my heart longs for it. i just have to keep reminding myself that God's love is more than enough.

so basically, i have been going crazy looking for love, when its been right here all along. God loves me more than any human ever could. he has loved me for all of my life. he will never stop loving me. he is more than enough for me.

and lastly i am so getting sick. not fun. i better feel better before the beach! all im sayin. haha oh and shout out to my faithful reader Alyjaytor. you are my alligator and i love you. haha

when my thoughts gain control.

i was driving home from work tonight and was so happy i had this. i am in need of venting.

i want to run
i want to hide
i want to get away
i want to give up
i want to stop lying to myself
i want to cry until the pain goes away
i want to scream until i have no voice left.

you cant hide from god. you cant give all of who you are to other things and expect to be ok when your all alone. its tormenting inside. its like walking into a door that leads to death. i saw that tonight as i was driving home. me opening a door and all there was, was never ending darkness. why would i even want to walk in that door. why would i want to see it open, why would I want to open it. i wish i could just kick myself. hard. really hard.

the thoughts that lead me to death. they send me in a whirl wind. and i go crazy. sometimes i really think i am crazy. thoughts of unnamed make me go insane. i dont know why it has such a grasp on me. its not even him. at all. because thoughts of him lead to thoughts of how i will never be good enough. how no one should of had to live the way i did, i start feeling sorry for myself and i could honestly feel myself getting darker and darker and farther and farther away from the light. just with my thoughts.

I DONT WANT TO RUN FROM GOD. how could i? why would i? he is everything. he is life, he is light, he is love. and i am death, i am darkness, this girl that i am, is everything i love to hate.

but i dont have to let the enemy win. i dont give him victory. God once said to me that He didnt die for me to live this way. and I dont want to live for anything but Him. i need to be shaken. i cant waste my time on this earth, because i most definitely dont want to miss His purpose for my life.

I think God is really trying to use my life because the enemy is tearing me apart. i let him in and he is ruining me. The new creation God made me to be. i cant even feel the heart beating in my own chest anymore. I am just a dead girl walking.

How can someone who has seen so much, who walked SO closely with God Almighty fall THIS hard?

God, i need your help, im dying and i am lost without you. i am lost without your voice guiding me, i am lost without your hands holding me. i am dead without you breathing your life into me. i am a wreck when you dont wipe my tears. i need you to love me. i need your love. i need you to forgive me again and again and again and im so sorry. i dont know why i ever thought i could live without you. i am so sorry. please save me. save me from myself, save me from the grip of my enemy and losen his grasp. i dont want to live like this anymore. i want to live for you. i want my life to be wholly yours.

God is the best Valentine

there are so many things. i am going to get a bit weird in this one..

so, as i was going to bed one night, a voice came to me and spoke. it said "do not trust in how you feel, nothing will be the way you expect it to be, and DO NOT harden your heart." those are pretty basic things that are commonly said in this walk. but the voice, it was so real. it also told me to vocalize my need for God to save me, and that if i said it, and i knew it to be true, that a door would be open. i did it. but it didnt "feel" good enough, i couldnt "see" how my life could change, and i could begin to feel my heart harden, i felt discouraged and weak, and i wanted to go to sleep. so i did. today i went to church. i didnt want to go, but i did at the same time. i needed to go. but this morning when i woke up, things werent looking very promising. i felt SO sick.. nautious, light headed, dizzy.. i couldnt even stand. i knew i had to go to church. and all of the thoughts were spinning in my head along with the room, i dont want to see grayson and i know he will be there, i dont want to see anyone. something inside of me was fighting, and i kept hearing "dont make anything about yourself".. i got there, a few minutes late but i was there. i hadnt been in so long that the greeter at the door asked me if i was new, anger started to rise up inside of me. but then the voice. "do not make anuthing about yourself" .. i was aware during worship that a door had been opened. that God was MY God. He is my Father. and my heart was filled with love and adoration for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. the Most High God. He is the one i wanted to give my heart and soul to. He was the one who loved me the way i needed to be loved on this day that is all about love. things were really changing inside of me even as i left the service.(( before i say the rest i should mention that the previous boyfriend who broke up with me has been my boyfriend since the day after we broke up. )) after church i called my bf, and he had a panicked tone in his voice. he asked if i was alright and i said i was fine. i asked him if he was ok because he sounded like he was really upset, maybe even crying. he said he felt us falling apart, that he felt like part of him was dying. i knew why, God was doing something i knew that as i was proclaiming in the song we sung, "Lord i give you my heart, i give my soul, i live for you alone. Every breath that i take, every moment i'm awake, Lord have your way in me" it was becoming truth. I was giving to God what i had given to my bf. I KNEW it was God listening to my heart's cry. but part of me went with fear. i know im not suppose to be with him but for some reason i believe its my job to take care of him and make sure he is okay. but i can feel it ending. it wont hurt me as much as it will hurt him.. and i dont want him to hurt. God showed me how much i didnt love Him by not obeying and trusting Him fully. i took things into my own hands again and things spun out of control. i feared, i trusted in my feelings, i made it about myself, i saw my life through my own eyes and not God's. i failed. my eyes were so opened, i could see the way back to God, and i blew it. all I want is Him, His ways, His perfect love. i pray that God isnt finished with me. i hope destiney didnt slip away. that would be devestating. i pray for God's mercy and grace to get me through. because now more than ever, the reality of my need for God is huge.

for as much as she stumbles, she's running, for as much as she's running she's still here.

my days are all starting to blend together, i dont even know what today's date is. i was really trying to do better, to be better. when the prodigal son came back to his father's house, and the father greeted him with love, he wasnt like well thanks for this awesome feast and everything, but im going to head out again. i feel like that is what i do, all the time. i dont want to be a permanant prodigal, like the type of person who is always running, cant stop running.. because when i slow down or get too quiet i feel like such a mess and such a failure. the enemy got a hold on me.. and it makes me so angry because i KNOW that this was all forseen i KNOW that there were things i needed to do to stand strong, and i didnt do it, and i KNOW that the enemy feels like he has the victory over my life. i cant see straight. things i knew to be real of God, the things He spoke to me, the new creation he made me to be, the truths that were held in high esteem in my life, its all blurred. it's almost like it was a dream. like i USE to be that person, but i never really was. that is what it feels like, like i never knew God the way i know that i did. so now i just feel like a zombie, and i want to get away from everyone who loves me before i infect them. which means... i have to keep running.

FIVE page essay.. on that?!

so, i have to write a 5 page essay on this quote...

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful."
-Seneca

i like the quote, i can totally see how it has truth to it.. but yeah i am not excited.. i cannot forsee 5 pages coming from that little tiny sentence.. but like the common saying.. where there is a will there's a way. and i have a will to do it because i do not want to/cannot afford to fail another class. that would be absolutely dreadful.

so off to another subject.. i forgot how much i love being with the girls.. just sitting around listening to bridge play the guitar and randomly singing along with alyjaytor. painting chloe and rachel's nails.. helping with homework.. even the 5 minute midnight talks with jess over a bean and cheese burrito.. haha.. it's the little things that have really been getting me through these days. i have been hiding i think.. trying to avoid reality. i dont cry anymore eventhough i feel like im going to burst at times. when does it get to be easy... that's what i want to know. i am sure anyone who reads this would tell me that it doesnt.

chasing after the wind

i dont know how to stop.. i just feel like i am spinning, and spinning, and spinning.. until eventually i lose control. it's like when you would sit in the computer chair when you were little and just spin until you were so dizzy that even when you tried to stop, your body was so use to spinning it just wanted to keep going and you werent in control anymore. the only way you could stop was to hold on to something like the desk or fall down on the floor. i dont know how to fall in this situation. and just like when i was a kid, eventhough i hated the dizzy feeling after spinning in a chair, i did it over and over and over again.

i am only 21 years old and i am in such a rush to grow up. haha.. i mean i guess some would consider me grown up but i mean i am not liking this age or phase in my life. i just want it to be over. i dont like partying, i dont like drinking, i am not a typical 21 year old. yet i keep chasing after pointless things. i feel like i am running after the wind and i can never grasp it. because its meaningless. just like the book of ecclesiasties says over and over.

the first step to recovery.

i have decided that there are more important things in this life than chasing after the people who WANT to leave you. if they choose to leave then they werent yours to have. and that applies to more than just boyfriends. stop running after people who are running away from you and look around, you are surrounded by the ones who want to stay. and they are the ones that matter most. i am happy to have people in my life who have stayed. i am happy to have God in my life who will never leave me. no matter what.


i want to move forward without looking back.

that's life.

so i have class today, and i have to work right after.. it is going to be a LONG day.

one of these days i will figure out why people always leave the people they care about most.

recent realities.

its funny because i havnt wanted to talk to anyone about anything going on in my life, but its easy to write it here.. it must have been your secret plan. because i know no one will read this except you jess.. lol
i have had to learn things the hard way. by choice mostly.. i dont always mean to make the choice that is obviously the wrong one, it just comes naturally for me. haha. i laugh but i know its not 100% funny. its just if you know something is wrong, it should make you not want to choose it. but i am missing the link in my brain that connects the two. i have realized recently that i was made for God's love. not even my mother or father can love me the way i want/need to be loved. my mom was telling my step mom, durring recent events, that she didnt know how to love me. and that she even read that book; what's your childs love language, and she could never figure mine out. it's because i need it all. when i told my step mom that she said i should compromise.. but my mom gave me to the Lord when i was a baby and ever since, i believe, he has not allowed me to be satisfied with any human's love. now dont get me wrong, we are all created for God's love. but i have a tendency of trying to make a human, mainly a guy fit into my perfect love [[box]] . never works. trust me. there was a time where i knew and i mean really knew just how much God loved me. and i was walking in that love. but i still let things get in the way. i never gave myself completely to God because i wouldnt let go of someone. we all make plans for our lives.. i planned on loving a specific guy for the rest of my life... whom shall not be named.. we'll call him grayson. i dated grayson for a long time. but before we dated we were BEST friends. its been like 7 years that ive been 'in love' with him. we grew apart for a year or so in high school but we always went back to eachother. so 4 years ago right before my 17th birthday we started dating.. i really loved him. wanted to marry him.. have kids, i wanted it all and i wanted it with him and only him. but he broke up with me. but for all of the right reasons, he pursued God with all of his heart. he was the closest i ever got to being loved the way i wanted, needed to be loved. he picked me up when i was down, he made me a better person. i made better choices when i was with him. he was my everything, my something wonderful. we have been broken up for over two years, ive dated.. he hasnt. i still only wanted him. grayson was perfect. he was the other part of me. almost every choice i have made for the past 4 years have been based on whether i would be with him for the rest of my life or not. and inside i believed that despite all of my bad choices, we would be together again one day.. that is until i asked him to please tell me wheter or not he thought we'd ever be together again because i cant keep living my life like this. because i run to a guy everytime i think we wont be together. and its not healthy.. after waiting for what seemed like hours he told me that he KNEW we would never be together, EVER again. shot to the heart. it felt like my life ended, and i wanted to die. i couldnt stand the thought of being without him for the rest of my life. i still cant stand it. but i know it will take time to heal. ohh and in the midst of it all i had a boyfriend! whom i told everything, that i still had feelings for grayson and he had broken my heart for the last time yesterday. that boyfriend is now my ex-boyfriend. yikes. i know it needed to happen, i was giving him to much of me.. i realize that all i need is God's love. his perfect love, that i absolutely positively cannot live without. i feel like im on the road that will get me back to Him. so that this time, i will give him every part, because now, i have nothing to hold on to. its over with grayson, forever. and never thought there would be freedom in it. but there is. he doesnt make me who i am anymore. its God's job to show me my true identity in Him. but i know i have a long way to go. and i am still going to make mistakes. but i dont want to run anymore. i am tired of running.

so, this is my first post. i am really bad at being loyal to these things. i usually forget about them. but this is for you jessica mexica. hopefully we can keep in touch this way. its so hard to keep up with you since we are always so far apart.